2011: A Chance for New Beginnings

As I sit here typing this, I am crying.  It has been one of those tough days where I feel like this saddness is never going to end.

What prompted this?  I was hard at work fixing up our downstairs half bath.  (Those of you who have been to our house have no doubt experienced this smurf-blue wonder of a room.)  I jumped online quickly and decided to check Facebook.  Well, based on a friend's status,  it seems that  she is expecting a baby.   No joke, I think, of our married friends, there may be one couple left who is not expecting...at least not yet. Silly, I know, but, as I've previously posted, those little reminders sting like one would not believe.  I HATE feeling that way.  I should be happy but there's barely an ounce of me that can feel that way right now.

Talking with Bob last night I mentioned that it has been so long since I was actually happy and content.  Looking back on my truly happy times feels almost as if I'm looking at someone else's life.  This is particularly true of when I look at photos of me during my pregnancy.  Obviously, I know it's me, but I feel such a disconnect between the person in those photos and who I am right now  Sure there have been isolated moments and events recently where I have enjoyed myself and I have probably even smiled and laughed.  But it has been months since I have felt pure happiness.  I hope that 2011 brings me that opportunity to feel that awesome feeling again; a feeling that I certainly took for granted prior to losing Evelyn.

The complete sense of being unfulfilled is hard to really describe.  I've tried to fill my time with activities around the house and various projects. I've tossed around the idea of a part-time job or more volunteer work.  But the root of the matter is that doing these things are like filling a hole with quick sand:  it looks filled and complete, but it's really just an illusion because it's easy to fall right back into the depths of it. 

This year, I hope that I am able to redefine myself and grow. I need to stop feeling jealous of all of our friends who will have their babies before us because the truth is, we have a daughter and she is beautiful.  I believe that this year we will give Evelyn an equally beautiful brother or sister and I am trying to keep that hope alive with as much positive thinking as I can muster.  I hope that I am able to create a happier home for Bob and myself.  (Maybe I'll even check some of these home projects off my list!)  We have no idea what is in store for us this year, but I am trying to convince myself that this will be the year that we will regain our ability to be truly happy.