The Results Are In

I got a call today from our midwives' office. 

Unfortunately I missed the call because I was in the shower.  However, she left a message saying that they received the results from pathology regarding Evelyn's autopsy. 

It took my breath away momentarily.  Immediately after losing Evelyn I was obsessed with knowing why this had happened to her (and to us).  The hospital told us that it would take approximately 8 weeks. Our midwives (or actually, their secretary) had been calling the pathology department diligently for months I found out.  Then today they got a call from the doctor that oversees their practice.  (This is standard and required by law, I believe, for midwives to have a OB/GYN consulting with their office.)  The results were sent to the OB/GYN's office instead of to the midwives.  Who knows how long it took the doctor to realize that the results weren't from one of his patients, but here we are 7 months later and the results have just come in. 

I hadn't forgotten about them, but had basically resigned myself to thinking that Evelyn's passing was due to an accident (most-likely involving her umbilical cord) and had made peace with it in my mind.  I didn't totally make this circumstance up, either.  Our specialist suggested that this was her inkling due to Evelyn's healthy birth weight and the overall health of the pregnancy. 

For me, it was the "best" circumstance for two reasons.  The first is that there was clearly nothing that anyone (myself included) could have done to save her.  Guilt is a big issue that I had after her birth.  I felt guilty about everything from not going to the hospital sooner to making my family sad.  I know that guilt is just part of the grieving process in our circumstances, but it was a very painful aspect to think about.  The second, and more important, reason is that an accident would have no future impact on subsequent pregnancies.  My dream has always been to have children and if there was something that was going to negatively impact that, I would be devastated. I do, however,  believe that even if an accident was not the cause of her demise, then our midwives and specialists will be able to guide us (albeit more carefully) through another pregnancy.

Our appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday (March 9th), so for now all I can do is wait.  While worrying will be hard to avoid, I know that nothing I do or think will change what has already happened or what is already written on that paper. 

I'll update once I know more.  But for now, that's all she wrote.