Our Little Bird

Thanks to Chrissie for finding these ornaments on Etsy.  We love it!

Adjusting to Life

One of the things that has been hardest for me in our journey through grieving Evelyn has been adjusting to living life again.  That might sounds strange, but in all honesty, that's really what has to be done.  Events that may have brought pure joy in the past can become filled with anxiety and depressive feelings.  It's really like looking at life in a whole new light.

A prime example:  pregnancy announcements.  I used to be thrilled with news of expectant moms and excited for the arrival of their babies.  Losing Evelyn has altered that for me, at least for now.  It bothers me that I simply can't feel that exciting feeling at this point in time. It is hard to admit that, right now, hearing people announce their pregnancy or update on their recent pregnancy milestones has the opposite effect on me that it used to.

Most likely, it's feelings of jealousy that I am not in their shoes at the current time.  I certainly have a deep internal yearning to be back at that point in my life.  It also throws me right back to all of the things that I should be enjoying with my daughter right now...her first Thanksgiving, her first Hanukkah/Christmas, her attempts to crawl, her beautiful smile...

But then, I need to remind myself to snap out of it!  It's OK to be sad (It would be weird if I wasn't!), and maybe even a little jealous, but I can't let that control my life.  If I did, I'd be constantly drowning in sadness...which (admittedly) I have experienced recently and it wasn't pretty.  We need to move forward with Evelyn's memory in our hearts but allow ourselves to take make room in our minds for the future.

So, thank you for standing by me as I re-learn to live life and all the experiences that go with it.

Hope

I am scared.  I'm trying not to be, but I am.

I'm starting this blog to serve as an outlet for me to share my feelings as we delve into a territory of the unknown.  As those who know us are aware, Bob and I lost our daughter, Evelyn, at 39 weeks gestation on July 26, 2010.  As of yet, we don't know the cause of her death, but all signs lead to the understanding that we may never know what caused our little girl's heart to stop beating so close to the end of our otherwise healthy pregnancy.

I've come to terms with that and have tried to look on the positive side.  With no definitive cause, the most likely case is that it was a terrible freak accident probably having to do with her cord.  Why is that positive, you ask?  Well, I look at it that way because it means that there is very little chance of it happening again.  With no other obvious signs, our outlook for a second pregnancy is good.

So, even though I am scared, I am also hopeful.  Hopeful that Evelyn will have a healthy brother or sister someday soon.  Hopeful that, as scary as a new pregnancy will be, it will end on a more positive note.

Don't get too excited.  There is no pregnancy to speak of as of yet.  We're *ahem* working on that and will share the news once we feel comfortable.

Until then, as scary as this time is, there's hope.  Hope for a brighter future yet to come.

Thank you for coming on this journey with us!