Mother's Day can be a sticky subject for those who have lost a child. Many feel sadness, and rightfully so, on this holiday. While I totally understand this reaction, for me it is a positive memory that I have with Evelyn.
Many people consider your first Mother's Day the first year that you celebrate with your child present in your arms. However, based on this view point, I would not be considered a mother and to this I definitely take exception. Even while babies are in the womb, mothers are nurturing them with the food they eat, the songs they sing, and the gentle rub of their bellies to feel their baby move. I was lucky enough to spend one Mother's Day with Evelyn while she was still living and, for that reason, I cherish this holiday and celebrate that I got to spend time with my daughter even if she was not in my arms.
This Mother's Day was very special because it is my first that I got to celebrate while being a mother of two. That's right, you read that correctly...TWO! That is the news that I've been waiting to share. I have a few posts that I've saved up that I wrote during the earlier stages of pregnancy when I wasn't comfortable sharing the news. Each one has the date indicated at the top to give a time frame as to where I was in my pregnancy.
I was hesitant to share the news because I know there are still a couple of good friends that we have not told yet. Not because we don't want them to know, but because we were waiting to share the news in person and we really don't see some of them very often (unfortunately). So, if you are one of these friends, I apologize profusely and I hope that you are not offended to find out in this manner. We'll make it up to you and buy you dinner or ice cream or something. That being said, I'm pretty sure no one reads this. ;)
Currently, I am 17 weeks and 3 days along with our second baby and this baby is expected to arrive sometime around October 15th. Bob and I are excited and cautiously optimistic for a positive outcome this time around.
Thanks for reading and I hope you all had a very happy Mother's Day!
Showing posts with label Coping with Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coping with Loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Report
After over 7 months of waiting, we have (some) answers to provide a little closure for losing Evelyn.
As expected, the autopsy results were not really conclusive. There were no infections found nor were there any abnormalities with her physical appearance or internal organs. This news was a relief. It means that there was really nothing wrong with her and, in turn, it means that there is really no future reproductive issues for me and Bob.
The report did indicate that Evelyn's umbilical cord was "of excessive length" because it was over 70 cm (77.5 to be exact) and this factor is associated with "increased morbidity and mortality." Basically, what I took from that was that since the cord was long, she was more easily tangled up in it. This coincides with the fact that at birth Evelyn's cord was wrapped (albeit loosely) three times around her legs.
The other factor indicated on the report was that there was "early vascular thormobosis" (a.k.a - a clot) found. However, there is really no way to determine if the clot formed pre- or post-mortem.
So, overall, our midwives and doctors are considering Evelyn's loss the result of a cord accident.
While it is scary to know that this could happen again (it could happen to anyone really) it is also a bit reassuring that it is not likely to reoccur. This, augmented by the fact that we will be having additional scans and close monitoring next time around, leaves me feeling cautiously optimistic for a healthy outcome in our next pregnancy.
As expected, the autopsy results were not really conclusive. There were no infections found nor were there any abnormalities with her physical appearance or internal organs. This news was a relief. It means that there was really nothing wrong with her and, in turn, it means that there is really no future reproductive issues for me and Bob.
The report did indicate that Evelyn's umbilical cord was "of excessive length" because it was over 70 cm (77.5 to be exact) and this factor is associated with "increased morbidity and mortality." Basically, what I took from that was that since the cord was long, she was more easily tangled up in it. This coincides with the fact that at birth Evelyn's cord was wrapped (albeit loosely) three times around her legs.
The other factor indicated on the report was that there was "early vascular thormobosis" (a.k.a - a clot) found. However, there is really no way to determine if the clot formed pre- or post-mortem.
So, overall, our midwives and doctors are considering Evelyn's loss the result of a cord accident.
While it is scary to know that this could happen again (it could happen to anyone really) it is also a bit reassuring that it is not likely to reoccur. This, augmented by the fact that we will be having additional scans and close monitoring next time around, leaves me feeling cautiously optimistic for a healthy outcome in our next pregnancy.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Filling My Time
There are many days when the time creeps by slowly and I have little to do. I try to fill my time, but sometimes feel unmotivated by the lack of routine or consequences for not doing something. In my working life, I had to deal with answering to supervisors and, more importantly, being prepared to greet and teach dozens of small smiling faces each day in the classroom. I had no other choice but to keep up with my work and that made time fly.
I've posted before that I occasionally feel a sense of uselessness and laziness, which often leads to guilt since I know Bob is out there working very hard to keep our finances sturdy. I often feel that I don't give enough back. He assures me that being the sole breadwinner doesn't bother him, but, at this point, my guilt sometimes takes over. Being a stay-at-home mom is a job (one of the hardest jobs in the world, I might add) and it's the job that I wanted so badly to take on, but now that has been put on hold and I've been searching for something to fill my time and maybe, just maybe, quell some of the guilt.
I've always enjoyed baking and I like to be able to present something tangible (and yummy) to Bob after my work.
I've also been working on slowly doing some renovations in the house. In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I was working on redoing our downstairs half bath due to the annoyingly bright and shiny blue paint that we inherited from the previous owners. I've searched high and low for pictures of the before. (I know we took them when we first looked at the house, but I can't find them anywhere.) Here I have some pictures from during the process.
If you look closely at the pictures with the primer, you can see the bright blue shining through. I might also add that we removed two Gothic-looking candle sconces which had a propensity to flip upside down, two floating white cottage-style shelves that might have fallen off the wall if you so much as breathed on them too hard, and an art-decoish mirror. This bathroom definitely had an identity crisis!
Here's some pictures of the after. We are still lacking artwork on the walls, but we got a pretty new mirror and I love the paint color! (Unfortunately, this room does not photograph well because it's tiny and there zero natural light.)
Our next project: the kitchen. We'll be putting in a tile backsplash, adding under-cabinet lighting, and painting.
Filling my time and feeling useful aren't easy tasks at this point, but hopefully soon there will be a time when I think back to this point in my life and imagine what it would be like to have a little free time on my hands.
I've posted before that I occasionally feel a sense of uselessness and laziness, which often leads to guilt since I know Bob is out there working very hard to keep our finances sturdy. I often feel that I don't give enough back. He assures me that being the sole breadwinner doesn't bother him, but, at this point, my guilt sometimes takes over. Being a stay-at-home mom is a job (one of the hardest jobs in the world, I might add) and it's the job that I wanted so badly to take on, but now that has been put on hold and I've been searching for something to fill my time and maybe, just maybe, quell some of the guilt.
I've always enjoyed baking and I like to be able to present something tangible (and yummy) to Bob after my work.
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| Cinnamon Bread |
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| A Birthday Cake For My Dad |
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| Superbowl Cream-Filled Cupcakes (Thanks to my father-in-law for the one with the jockstrap piped onto it!) |
If you look closely at the pictures with the primer, you can see the bright blue shining through. I might also add that we removed two Gothic-looking candle sconces which had a propensity to flip upside down, two floating white cottage-style shelves that might have fallen off the wall if you so much as breathed on them too hard, and an art-decoish mirror. This bathroom definitely had an identity crisis!
Here's some pictures of the after. We are still lacking artwork on the walls, but we got a pretty new mirror and I love the paint color! (Unfortunately, this room does not photograph well because it's tiny and there zero natural light.)
Our next project: the kitchen. We'll be putting in a tile backsplash, adding under-cabinet lighting, and painting.
Filling my time and feeling useful aren't easy tasks at this point, but hopefully soon there will be a time when I think back to this point in my life and imagine what it would be like to have a little free time on my hands.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Deadlines
One of the ways that I have been dealing with trying to conceive is by setting deadlines for myself. For example: "If you get pregnant before mid-March, we will have a baby before Christmas next year." Each time I set one of these deadlines for myself, it is all the more difficult to cope with the negative pregnancy tests, yet I continue to set myself up for these disappointments. Every cycle feels more high stakes than the last. I recognize that whether I become pregnant in January or June doesn't really make a difference in the long run, however this is the strategy that I've employed to help reassure myself that good times are ahead and they are coming soon. I need that tangible date. I crave control over something in this process that seems to be so off the path that I had ever imagined for our family, but I don't know how to go about it with out setting myself up for this failure when my "deadline" isn't met.
We decided early on in our marriage that, if it was financially possible, we'd do everything we could to allow me to stay home and take care of the kids, at least until they started school. When we were deciding whether or not we were ready to start a family, that was the main consideration. So, when I got pregnant we already knew that was our plan. I told the administration at the school I was working (I am an elementary special education teacher) that that I'd be taking off a year. Most of that year would be unpaid so it would give us a good gauge to see if we were able to handle life with one income. Our plan was that if we were able to make it work, I would fully resign at the end of that year. I'm sure that many people (although no one came right out and said it) thought that I was wasting my hard earned BA and Master's degrees doing this, but we knew it was what was right for us.
As you can imagine, once we lost Evelyn we had some decisions to make. It was already only about 5 weeks away from the start of school when Evelyn passed and I was in no way ready to return to work. I had a few options: go back right away (possibly in a different school within the district and position since they didn't expect my return), take some family leave and return a few weeks into the school year, or resign completely at that point. There's a lot of history with me and working in that school district that I won't go into except to say that there was an abundance of politics and day-to-day stress to deal with along with a 1 hour commute each way. We both knew that it was the right thing for my mental health to not go back into that type of environment. So, I resigned.
In some respects, it has given me a chance to process my emotions at my own rate. I don't have to worry about the stresses of my job and can focus on healing. I don't think I would be in a very healthy state had I returned to work after losing Evelyn.
On the other hand, however, it has left me with little sense of structure in my life. Hence the reason that I create deadlines for myself. In reality, I should be structuring the things that I can control. Creating a schedule for myself of housekeeping tasks and a running list of things for me to do. Unfortunately, what has happened is that I have a lot of time to focus on the things that are out of my hands.
I also am constantly battling the feelings of having no true purpose. Evelyn was my purpose. Taking care of her is what I know I was meant to do. Now, I need to shift my thinking and keep myself occupied with worthwhile tasks so that I can regain the confidence in myself. There is a lot of guilt and feelings of that you are broken after losing a baby that I had to (and still have to) deal with. There are many times when I think to myself that Evelyn's passing has taken away my purpose here. In my healthier moments, I have the clarity to understand that I will have a living child (hopefully more than 1!)someday and I will have the opportunity to use my motherly instincts and raise a child the way that Bob and I envision. I need to remember that even with Evelyn gone, my purpose as a mother is not.
So, this is where I'm at now. I'm feeling healthier today than I have in recent weeks. The holidays were rougher than I anticipated. As I said in this post, it is a new year and time for a fresh start.
Thanks for listening to the rambling!
We decided early on in our marriage that, if it was financially possible, we'd do everything we could to allow me to stay home and take care of the kids, at least until they started school. When we were deciding whether or not we were ready to start a family, that was the main consideration. So, when I got pregnant we already knew that was our plan. I told the administration at the school I was working (I am an elementary special education teacher) that that I'd be taking off a year. Most of that year would be unpaid so it would give us a good gauge to see if we were able to handle life with one income. Our plan was that if we were able to make it work, I would fully resign at the end of that year. I'm sure that many people (although no one came right out and said it) thought that I was wasting my hard earned BA and Master's degrees doing this, but we knew it was what was right for us.
As you can imagine, once we lost Evelyn we had some decisions to make. It was already only about 5 weeks away from the start of school when Evelyn passed and I was in no way ready to return to work. I had a few options: go back right away (possibly in a different school within the district and position since they didn't expect my return), take some family leave and return a few weeks into the school year, or resign completely at that point. There's a lot of history with me and working in that school district that I won't go into except to say that there was an abundance of politics and day-to-day stress to deal with along with a 1 hour commute each way. We both knew that it was the right thing for my mental health to not go back into that type of environment. So, I resigned.
In some respects, it has given me a chance to process my emotions at my own rate. I don't have to worry about the stresses of my job and can focus on healing. I don't think I would be in a very healthy state had I returned to work after losing Evelyn.
On the other hand, however, it has left me with little sense of structure in my life. Hence the reason that I create deadlines for myself. In reality, I should be structuring the things that I can control. Creating a schedule for myself of housekeeping tasks and a running list of things for me to do. Unfortunately, what has happened is that I have a lot of time to focus on the things that are out of my hands.
I also am constantly battling the feelings of having no true purpose. Evelyn was my purpose. Taking care of her is what I know I was meant to do. Now, I need to shift my thinking and keep myself occupied with worthwhile tasks so that I can regain the confidence in myself. There is a lot of guilt and feelings of that you are broken after losing a baby that I had to (and still have to) deal with. There are many times when I think to myself that Evelyn's passing has taken away my purpose here. In my healthier moments, I have the clarity to understand that I will have a living child (hopefully more than 1!)someday and I will have the opportunity to use my motherly instincts and raise a child the way that Bob and I envision. I need to remember that even with Evelyn gone, my purpose as a mother is not.
So, this is where I'm at now. I'm feeling healthier today than I have in recent weeks. The holidays were rougher than I anticipated. As I said in this post, it is a new year and time for a fresh start.
Thanks for listening to the rambling!
Monday, January 10, 2011
2011: A Chance for New Beginnings
As I sit here typing this, I am crying. It has been one of those tough days where I feel like this saddness is never going to end.
What prompted this? I was hard at work fixing up our downstairs half bath. (Those of you who have been to our house have no doubt experienced this smurf-blue wonder of a room.) I jumped online quickly and decided to check Facebook. Well, based on a friend's status, it seems that she is expecting a baby. No joke, I think, of our married friends, there may be one couple left who is not expecting...at least not yet. Silly, I know, but, as I've previously posted, those little reminders sting like one would not believe. I HATE feeling that way. I should be happy but there's barely an ounce of me that can feel that way right now.
Talking with Bob last night I mentioned that it has been so long since I was actually happy and content. Looking back on my truly happy times feels almost as if I'm looking at someone else's life. This is particularly true of when I look at photos of me during my pregnancy. Obviously, I know it's me, but I feel such a disconnect between the person in those photos and who I am right now Sure there have been isolated moments and events recently where I have enjoyed myself and I have probably even smiled and laughed. But it has been months since I have felt pure happiness. I hope that 2011 brings me that opportunity to feel that awesome feeling again; a feeling that I certainly took for granted prior to losing Evelyn.
The complete sense of being unfulfilled is hard to really describe. I've tried to fill my time with activities around the house and various projects. I've tossed around the idea of a part-time job or more volunteer work. But the root of the matter is that doing these things are like filling a hole with quick sand: it looks filled and complete, but it's really just an illusion because it's easy to fall right back into the depths of it.
This year, I hope that I am able to redefine myself and grow. I need to stop feeling jealous of all of our friends who will have their babies before us because the truth is, we have a daughter and she is beautiful. I believe that this year we will give Evelyn an equally beautiful brother or sister and I am trying to keep that hope alive with as much positive thinking as I can muster. I hope that I am able to create a happier home for Bob and myself. (Maybe I'll even check some of these home projects off my list!) We have no idea what is in store for us this year, but I am trying to convince myself that this will be the year that we will regain our ability to be truly happy.
What prompted this? I was hard at work fixing up our downstairs half bath. (Those of you who have been to our house have no doubt experienced this smurf-blue wonder of a room.) I jumped online quickly and decided to check Facebook. Well, based on a friend's status, it seems that she is expecting a baby. No joke, I think, of our married friends, there may be one couple left who is not expecting...at least not yet. Silly, I know, but, as I've previously posted, those little reminders sting like one would not believe. I HATE feeling that way. I should be happy but there's barely an ounce of me that can feel that way right now.
Talking with Bob last night I mentioned that it has been so long since I was actually happy and content. Looking back on my truly happy times feels almost as if I'm looking at someone else's life. This is particularly true of when I look at photos of me during my pregnancy. Obviously, I know it's me, but I feel such a disconnect between the person in those photos and who I am right now Sure there have been isolated moments and events recently where I have enjoyed myself and I have probably even smiled and laughed. But it has been months since I have felt pure happiness. I hope that 2011 brings me that opportunity to feel that awesome feeling again; a feeling that I certainly took for granted prior to losing Evelyn.
The complete sense of being unfulfilled is hard to really describe. I've tried to fill my time with activities around the house and various projects. I've tossed around the idea of a part-time job or more volunteer work. But the root of the matter is that doing these things are like filling a hole with quick sand: it looks filled and complete, but it's really just an illusion because it's easy to fall right back into the depths of it.
This year, I hope that I am able to redefine myself and grow. I need to stop feeling jealous of all of our friends who will have their babies before us because the truth is, we have a daughter and she is beautiful. I believe that this year we will give Evelyn an equally beautiful brother or sister and I am trying to keep that hope alive with as much positive thinking as I can muster. I hope that I am able to create a happier home for Bob and myself. (Maybe I'll even check some of these home projects off my list!) We have no idea what is in store for us this year, but I am trying to convince myself that this will be the year that we will regain our ability to be truly happy.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Adjusting to Life
One of the things that has been hardest for me in our journey through grieving Evelyn has been adjusting to living life again. That might sounds strange, but in all honesty, that's really what has to be done. Events that may have brought pure joy in the past can become filled with anxiety and depressive feelings. It's really like looking at life in a whole new light.
A prime example: pregnancy announcements. I used to be thrilled with news of expectant moms and excited for the arrival of their babies. Losing Evelyn has altered that for me, at least for now. It bothers me that I simply can't feel that exciting feeling at this point in time. It is hard to admit that, right now, hearing people announce their pregnancy or update on their recent pregnancy milestones has the opposite effect on me that it used to.
Most likely, it's feelings of jealousy that I am not in their shoes at the current time. I certainly have a deep internal yearning to be back at that point in my life. It also throws me right back to all of the things that I should be enjoying with my daughter right now...her first Thanksgiving, her first Hanukkah/Christmas, her attempts to crawl, her beautiful smile...
But then, I need to remind myself to snap out of it! It's OK to be sad (It would be weird if I wasn't!), and maybe even a little jealous, but I can't let that control my life. If I did, I'd be constantly drowning in sadness...which (admittedly) I have experienced recently and it wasn't pretty. We need to move forward with Evelyn's memory in our hearts but allow ourselves to take make room in our minds for the future.
So, thank you for standing by me as I re-learn to live life and all the experiences that go with it.
A prime example: pregnancy announcements. I used to be thrilled with news of expectant moms and excited for the arrival of their babies. Losing Evelyn has altered that for me, at least for now. It bothers me that I simply can't feel that exciting feeling at this point in time. It is hard to admit that, right now, hearing people announce their pregnancy or update on their recent pregnancy milestones has the opposite effect on me that it used to.
Most likely, it's feelings of jealousy that I am not in their shoes at the current time. I certainly have a deep internal yearning to be back at that point in my life. It also throws me right back to all of the things that I should be enjoying with my daughter right now...her first Thanksgiving, her first Hanukkah/Christmas, her attempts to crawl, her beautiful smile...
But then, I need to remind myself to snap out of it! It's OK to be sad (It would be weird if I wasn't!), and maybe even a little jealous, but I can't let that control my life. If I did, I'd be constantly drowning in sadness...which (admittedly) I have experienced recently and it wasn't pretty. We need to move forward with Evelyn's memory in our hearts but allow ourselves to take make room in our minds for the future.
So, thank you for standing by me as I re-learn to live life and all the experiences that go with it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Hope
I am scared. I'm trying not to be, but I am.
I'm starting this blog to serve as an outlet for me to share my feelings as we delve into a territory of the unknown. As those who know us are aware, Bob and I lost our daughter, Evelyn, at 39 weeks gestation on July 26, 2010. As of yet, we don't know the cause of her death, but all signs lead to the understanding that we may never know what caused our little girl's heart to stop beating so close to the end of our otherwise healthy pregnancy.
I've come to terms with that and have tried to look on the positive side. With no definitive cause, the most likely case is that it was a terrible freak accident probably having to do with her cord. Why is that positive, you ask? Well, I look at it that way because it means that there is very little chance of it happening again. With no other obvious signs, our outlook for a second pregnancy is good.
So, even though I am scared, I am also hopeful. Hopeful that Evelyn will have a healthy brother or sister someday soon. Hopeful that, as scary as a new pregnancy will be, it will end on a more positive note.
Don't get too excited. There is no pregnancy to speak of as of yet. We're *ahem* working on that and will share the news once we feel comfortable.
Until then, as scary as this time is, there's hope. Hope for a brighter future yet to come.
Thank you for coming on this journey with us!
I'm starting this blog to serve as an outlet for me to share my feelings as we delve into a territory of the unknown. As those who know us are aware, Bob and I lost our daughter, Evelyn, at 39 weeks gestation on July 26, 2010. As of yet, we don't know the cause of her death, but all signs lead to the understanding that we may never know what caused our little girl's heart to stop beating so close to the end of our otherwise healthy pregnancy.
I've come to terms with that and have tried to look on the positive side. With no definitive cause, the most likely case is that it was a terrible freak accident probably having to do with her cord. Why is that positive, you ask? Well, I look at it that way because it means that there is very little chance of it happening again. With no other obvious signs, our outlook for a second pregnancy is good.
So, even though I am scared, I am also hopeful. Hopeful that Evelyn will have a healthy brother or sister someday soon. Hopeful that, as scary as a new pregnancy will be, it will end on a more positive note.
Don't get too excited. There is no pregnancy to speak of as of yet. We're *ahem* working on that and will share the news once we feel comfortable.
Until then, as scary as this time is, there's hope. Hope for a brighter future yet to come.
Thank you for coming on this journey with us!
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