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Ok, here it is...the first of the aforementioned saved-up pregnancy posts.  Enjoy!

Written on February 7, 2011:

Well, the morning of February 7th, 2011 started off with this...

If you've ever tried to read a pregnancy test with hopeful eyes, you know that those eyes can be deceiving.  The longer you stare at the test, the more difficult it becomes to decide if you are seeing one line or two.  (For those who aren't "in the know" about pregnancy tests, 2 lines = pregnant, no matter how dark the lines are.)


After Bob and I both stared at the strip for quite some time, I swore that I saw two lines...but was uneasy because I had  dropped the test on the floor, wiggled it about, and held it by the "wrong" end waited longer than directed to read the results.  (Again, for pregnancy-test-beginners, if you wait too long after taking the test to read it, you wind up with an evaporation line which could make you think that you're pregnant even if you're not.)

So, what did I do?  I took another one, of course, and compared it to the first.  I'd never used this brand of test before and even the control line was coming up very light.  Again, those deceptive eyes came into play and neither Bob or myself could determine if there were two lines there.

Ok, enough was enough already for me.  I called my midwives and basically begged them to find the fastest way for me to get a reliable result.  (Since they've been seeing me since before concieving Evelyn, they understood my insane anxiety to know the actual results).  They sent me off to Lab Corp. for a blood test.

I pretty much lost it at Lab Corp. and tried to explain through my sobs to the very nice lab assistants there the reason why this test had me all in a tizzy.  They assured me that it would take no more than 24 hours for the results.  Yes, 24 HOURS!!!  How could I wait that long??

Well, the truth is that I couldn't wait that long.  I went to Target on my way home and picked up not one, but two different types of pregnancy tests to try get some real results and ease my mind a bit.  (Sidenote - Bob definitely thought I was insane for spending another $20 on tests, but my peace of mind was worth it, right?!?)

No sooner did I walk in the door at home did I find myself in the bathroom taking a third pregnancy test for the day.  This time it was a First Response test, which happens to be the same type test that I got my positive results during my first pregnancy.  I sat there and stared at the test nervously waiting to see what would happen.  Here is what I saw...

That's right 2, count 'em, 2 pink lines!  They showed up within two minutes of taking the test. We're very much PREGNANT.  It feels totally weird, yet exhilarating to type that! we should be getting the same results tomorrow from the blood test along with my hcg and progesterone levels. 

We both have a ton of emotions running through us right now, not the least of which is excitement.  However, I'll save that up for another post because right now, I just want to enjoy the thrill and excitement of today.

Deadlines

One of the ways that I have been dealing with trying to conceive is by setting deadlines for myself.  For example:  "If you get pregnant before mid-March, we will have a baby before Christmas next year."  Each time I set one of these deadlines for myself, it is all the more difficult to cope with the negative pregnancy tests, yet I continue to set myself up for these disappointments.  Every cycle feels more high stakes than the last.  I recognize that whether I become pregnant in January or June doesn't really make a difference in the long run, however this is the strategy that I've employed to help reassure myself that good times are ahead and they are coming soon.  I need that tangible date. I crave control over something in this process that seems to be so off the path that I had ever imagined for our family, but I don't know how to go about it with out setting myself up for this failure when my "deadline" isn't met.

We decided early on in our marriage that, if it was financially possible, we'd do everything we could to allow me to stay home and take care of the kids, at least until they started school.  When we were deciding whether or not we were ready to start a family, that was the main consideration.  So, when I got pregnant we already knew that was our plan.  I told the administration at the school I was working (I am an elementary special education teacher) that that I'd be taking off a year. Most of that year would be unpaid so it would give us a good gauge to see if we were able to handle life with one income.  Our plan was that if we were able to make it work, I would fully resign at the end of that year.  I'm sure that many people (although no one came right out and said it) thought that I was wasting my hard earned BA and Master's degrees doing this, but we knew it was what was right for us.

As you can imagine, once we lost Evelyn we had some decisions to make.  It was already only about 5 weeks away from the start of school when Evelyn passed and I was in no way ready to return to work.  I had a few options: go back right away (possibly in a different school within the district and position since they didn't expect my return), take some family leave and return a few weeks into the school year, or resign completely at that point.  There's a lot of history with me and working in that school district that I won't go into except to say that there was an abundance of politics and day-to-day stress to deal with along with a 1 hour commute each way.  We both knew that it was the right thing for my mental health to not go back into that type of environment.  So, I resigned.

In some respects, it has given me a chance to process my emotions at my own rate.  I don't have to worry about the stresses of my job and can focus on healing.  I don't think I would be in a very healthy state had I returned to work after losing Evelyn.

On the other hand, however, it has left me with little sense of structure in my life.  Hence the reason that I create deadlines for myself.  In reality, I should be structuring the things that I can control.  Creating a schedule for myself of housekeeping tasks and a running list of things for me to do.  Unfortunately, what has happened is that I have a lot of time to focus on the things that are out of my hands.

I also am constantly battling the feelings of having no true purpose.  Evelyn was my purpose.  Taking care of her is what I know I was meant to do. Now, I need to shift my thinking and keep myself occupied with worthwhile tasks so that I can regain the confidence in myself.  There is a lot of guilt and feelings of  that you are broken after losing a baby that I had to (and still have to) deal with.  There are many times when I think to myself that Evelyn's passing has taken away my purpose here.  In my healthier moments, I have the clarity to understand that I will have a living child (hopefully more than 1!)someday and I will have the opportunity to use my motherly instincts and raise a child the way that Bob and I envision.  I need to remember that even with Evelyn gone, my purpose as a mother is not. 

So, this is where I'm at now.  I'm feeling healthier today than I have in recent weeks.  The holidays were rougher than I anticipated.  As I said in this post, it is a new year and time for a fresh start.

Thanks for listening to the rambling!

2011: A Chance for New Beginnings

As I sit here typing this, I am crying.  It has been one of those tough days where I feel like this saddness is never going to end.

What prompted this?  I was hard at work fixing up our downstairs half bath.  (Those of you who have been to our house have no doubt experienced this smurf-blue wonder of a room.)  I jumped online quickly and decided to check Facebook.  Well, based on a friend's status,  it seems that  she is expecting a baby.   No joke, I think, of our married friends, there may be one couple left who is not expecting...at least not yet. Silly, I know, but, as I've previously posted, those little reminders sting like one would not believe.  I HATE feeling that way.  I should be happy but there's barely an ounce of me that can feel that way right now.

Talking with Bob last night I mentioned that it has been so long since I was actually happy and content.  Looking back on my truly happy times feels almost as if I'm looking at someone else's life.  This is particularly true of when I look at photos of me during my pregnancy.  Obviously, I know it's me, but I feel such a disconnect between the person in those photos and who I am right now  Sure there have been isolated moments and events recently where I have enjoyed myself and I have probably even smiled and laughed.  But it has been months since I have felt pure happiness.  I hope that 2011 brings me that opportunity to feel that awesome feeling again; a feeling that I certainly took for granted prior to losing Evelyn.

The complete sense of being unfulfilled is hard to really describe.  I've tried to fill my time with activities around the house and various projects. I've tossed around the idea of a part-time job or more volunteer work.  But the root of the matter is that doing these things are like filling a hole with quick sand:  it looks filled and complete, but it's really just an illusion because it's easy to fall right back into the depths of it. 

This year, I hope that I am able to redefine myself and grow. I need to stop feeling jealous of all of our friends who will have their babies before us because the truth is, we have a daughter and she is beautiful.  I believe that this year we will give Evelyn an equally beautiful brother or sister and I am trying to keep that hope alive with as much positive thinking as I can muster.  I hope that I am able to create a happier home for Bob and myself.  (Maybe I'll even check some of these home projects off my list!)  We have no idea what is in store for us this year, but I am trying to convince myself that this will be the year that we will regain our ability to be truly happy.

Adjusting to Life

One of the things that has been hardest for me in our journey through grieving Evelyn has been adjusting to living life again.  That might sounds strange, but in all honesty, that's really what has to be done.  Events that may have brought pure joy in the past can become filled with anxiety and depressive feelings.  It's really like looking at life in a whole new light.

A prime example:  pregnancy announcements.  I used to be thrilled with news of expectant moms and excited for the arrival of their babies.  Losing Evelyn has altered that for me, at least for now.  It bothers me that I simply can't feel that exciting feeling at this point in time. It is hard to admit that, right now, hearing people announce their pregnancy or update on their recent pregnancy milestones has the opposite effect on me that it used to.

Most likely, it's feelings of jealousy that I am not in their shoes at the current time.  I certainly have a deep internal yearning to be back at that point in my life.  It also throws me right back to all of the things that I should be enjoying with my daughter right now...her first Thanksgiving, her first Hanukkah/Christmas, her attempts to crawl, her beautiful smile...

But then, I need to remind myself to snap out of it!  It's OK to be sad (It would be weird if I wasn't!), and maybe even a little jealous, but I can't let that control my life.  If I did, I'd be constantly drowning in sadness...which (admittedly) I have experienced recently and it wasn't pretty.  We need to move forward with Evelyn's memory in our hearts but allow ourselves to take make room in our minds for the future.

So, thank you for standing by me as I re-learn to live life and all the experiences that go with it.

Hope

I am scared.  I'm trying not to be, but I am.

I'm starting this blog to serve as an outlet for me to share my feelings as we delve into a territory of the unknown.  As those who know us are aware, Bob and I lost our daughter, Evelyn, at 39 weeks gestation on July 26, 2010.  As of yet, we don't know the cause of her death, but all signs lead to the understanding that we may never know what caused our little girl's heart to stop beating so close to the end of our otherwise healthy pregnancy.

I've come to terms with that and have tried to look on the positive side.  With no definitive cause, the most likely case is that it was a terrible freak accident probably having to do with her cord.  Why is that positive, you ask?  Well, I look at it that way because it means that there is very little chance of it happening again.  With no other obvious signs, our outlook for a second pregnancy is good.

So, even though I am scared, I am also hopeful.  Hopeful that Evelyn will have a healthy brother or sister someday soon.  Hopeful that, as scary as a new pregnancy will be, it will end on a more positive note.

Don't get too excited.  There is no pregnancy to speak of as of yet.  We're *ahem* working on that and will share the news once we feel comfortable.

Until then, as scary as this time is, there's hope.  Hope for a brighter future yet to come.

Thank you for coming on this journey with us!