Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Adjusting to Life
One of the things that has been hardest for me in our journey through grieving Evelyn has been adjusting to living life again. That might sounds strange, but in all honesty, that's really what has to be done. Events that may have brought pure joy in the past can become filled with anxiety and depressive feelings. It's really like looking at life in a whole new light.
A prime example: pregnancy announcements. I used to be thrilled with news of expectant moms and excited for the arrival of their babies. Losing Evelyn has altered that for me, at least for now. It bothers me that I simply can't feel that exciting feeling at this point in time. It is hard to admit that, right now, hearing people announce their pregnancy or update on their recent pregnancy milestones has the opposite effect on me that it used to.
Most likely, it's feelings of jealousy that I am not in their shoes at the current time. I certainly have a deep internal yearning to be back at that point in my life. It also throws me right back to all of the things that I should be enjoying with my daughter right now...her first Thanksgiving, her first Hanukkah/Christmas, her attempts to crawl, her beautiful smile...
But then, I need to remind myself to snap out of it! It's OK to be sad (It would be weird if I wasn't!), and maybe even a little jealous, but I can't let that control my life. If I did, I'd be constantly drowning in sadness...which (admittedly) I have experienced recently and it wasn't pretty. We need to move forward with Evelyn's memory in our hearts but allow ourselves to take make room in our minds for the future.
So, thank you for standing by me as I re-learn to live life and all the experiences that go with it.
A prime example: pregnancy announcements. I used to be thrilled with news of expectant moms and excited for the arrival of their babies. Losing Evelyn has altered that for me, at least for now. It bothers me that I simply can't feel that exciting feeling at this point in time. It is hard to admit that, right now, hearing people announce their pregnancy or update on their recent pregnancy milestones has the opposite effect on me that it used to.
Most likely, it's feelings of jealousy that I am not in their shoes at the current time. I certainly have a deep internal yearning to be back at that point in my life. It also throws me right back to all of the things that I should be enjoying with my daughter right now...her first Thanksgiving, her first Hanukkah/Christmas, her attempts to crawl, her beautiful smile...
But then, I need to remind myself to snap out of it! It's OK to be sad (It would be weird if I wasn't!), and maybe even a little jealous, but I can't let that control my life. If I did, I'd be constantly drowning in sadness...which (admittedly) I have experienced recently and it wasn't pretty. We need to move forward with Evelyn's memory in our hearts but allow ourselves to take make room in our minds for the future.
So, thank you for standing by me as I re-learn to live life and all the experiences that go with it.
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