"Angelversary"

Today marks one year since the day Bob and I heard the news that no parent ever wants to hear.  On July 25, 2010, after not feeling Evelyn for almost a full day, we found out that she no longer had a heartbeat. 

The news was devastating and our lives have been forever changed since then.  This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions.  To even try to sum it up would be impossible.  Each day, and sometimes each minute, brought with it its own set of trials and emotional twists and turns.

Tomorrow we will commemorate what should have been her first birthday.  Internally I struggled with what to do for this special occasion.  I was afraid of doing something too big and having to keep it up or make it bigger each year, but at the same time I was terrified that I was not doing enough.  I didn't really want it to be a sad day because Evelyn was able to bring so much joy during her short time with us, but at the same time a full-out celebration seemed crazy.  Bob and I talked about it and decided that it should be a day for close family to spend together if they so desired because that's what her first birthday would have been anyway.

My emotions that leading up to this day fluctuate because I know that we have some very  happy times ahead of us.  This little boy growing in my belly has brought me a lot of peace and calm with Evelyn's birthday coming up.  I'm really not sure how I'd be taking it if I wasn't in the midst of this healthy pregnancy.  At the same time, I feel very guilty for not being completely miserable.  I believe that our baby boy is here to lift our spirits and he came when we really needed him the most.  However, Bob and I have discussed our mutual fear that Evelyn will get lost in the shuffle.  We know that we must be diligent in not letting that happen.  I don't know what my life will be like when our little bundle arrives, but I plan to keep Evelyn's memory alive by talking about her to her little brother often.

We have been very lucky to have supportive friends and family who understand how deeply our daughter has touched our lives.  She is not and will not be forgotten and we are so thankful to have so many people out there who will ensure that this is the case. Thank you to everyone who has stood by Bob and I this past year.  You have no idea how much it has meant to us. 
So, while today is no different than any other day in that I will be thinking about Evelyn, it does hold more weight than most days because of the significance of what happened one year ago.  In some ways it's hard to believe that it has been a whole year since we said goodbye to our angel, but in other ways the time has felt as if it has stood still.  We miss her each moment that she is not with us but at the same time, we are so thankful to have known her at all.