The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have not posted in a long time.  I wish I could say that it's because I've been super busy and very productive in getting things done.  However, that is not totally the case.  We have been doing some work around the house, but honestly, I've just been a bit lazy lately because I'm somewhat uncomfortable and also because I'm anticipating that I won't have much time to relax in the upcoming weeks.  So, here's an update of some things that have been going on. 

Around 35 weeks, I had my second NST (non-stress test) to monitor the baby's heart rate and activity level.  It was my second test like this.  After leaving me on the monitors for awhile, one of my midwives came in to check the printout from the machine.  She noticed something of concern.  The baby's heart rate was having "v-dips", which literally look like little "v"s on the printout.  She said that this is probably nothing but, due to our circumstances, she wanted to look into it further.  Some possible causes, she explained, were either low fluid levels or a wrapped cord.  As soon as I heard that the cord could be causing issues, I panicked since that is what they think may have contributed to losing Evelyn.  My midwife told me not to freak out, but it was a bit late for that.  They had the nurse call my perinatologist to get an earlier appointment for a scan to check the fluid and the cord.  When the nurse spoke to them, they put me in for the following Thursday...two whole days later!!  There was no way I could sit and wait for that knowing that my baby could be in distress.  After many calls back and forth with my perinatologist's office, I was finally able to get in to see a doctor that day. Turns out, it really was nothing.  The fluid level was great, his cord was not wrapped, and he was head-down, despite the midwife's thoughts that he was breech.  I was so relieved!

My NSTs have continued normally in the weeks following as have all of my follow-up scans.  According to the most recent one (at around 36.5 weeks) the Blah Blu is estimated to weigh 5 lbs. 15 oz.  Since he gains about an ounce a day (or more!) he's probably in the 6.5-7 lb. range now! 

His abdomen, which has previously measured small at the scans, continues to be smaller than the rest of his measurements.  However, there is a pattern of growth so the doctors really aren't concerned and are just continuing to monitor it. 

We get questions all the time about what Blah Blu's real name will be.  The answer is that we don't know yet!  We have narrowed it down to two names: 

Caleb Owen 

or 

Ezra Owen

I think Bob is really leaning more toward Caleb and I'm totally undecided, but I know I like the uniqueness of Ezra.  We both know that we don't want to make the call until we see his sweet little face.  Hopefully, he'll look like a Caleb or an Ezra and we will instantly agree!  Owen will almost definitely be in the middle, however, because we like it with both first names and also because it has a similar meaning to Evelyn's middle name so it's like a little tribute to her.  Evelyn's middle name (Matilda) means "mighty warrior" and Owen translates to "young warrior".  We like that connection and we like the name so it works out well!

We've been busy trying to get the house prepared for the little one's arrival.  Our bedroom has been freshly painted and we (and by we I mean Bob and our good friend Joe) put in closet organizers so that we could eliminate extra furniture and have room for a pack and play.  This time around, I am very hesitant to really set up the house with baby things since we had them all out last time and had to deal with putting them all away.  So, the baby stuff is assembled and ready, but it's all staying in the nursery for now. I'm hoping a sweet family member or friend will help us by getting some things set up while we are in the hospital.

Currently, I'm 37 weeks and 3 days.  I see my midwives again tomorrow and will have another NST.  We have been discussing the possibility of doing an induction at around 39 weeks assuming I don't go into labor before then.  Inductions scare me because I really want the birth to be as natural as possible.  I totally trust my midwives, however, and they have committed to helping me get induced with the least invasive procedures possible.  I have confidence that they have my best interest at heart and I know that, in the long run, my goal is a healthy baby! 

That's about all for now!  It's crazy to think that he'll be here in about 2 weeks!

Update on Blah Blu and Some New Pictures!

First off, I'm sorry that it has been so long since I posted.  I have been meaning to update.

If you don't recall, here's the back story regarding our appointment at the perinatologist's office:  At my appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor mentioned that the baby was measuring a bit smaller than she'd like, so she asked that I come back sooner (3 weeks instead of 6) to monitor his growth.  The full story can be read here.

After that appointment, I met with our midwives.  They were very reassuring and told me that he was not small overall, but rather that one measurement that was taken brought his percentile ranking down.  The small measurement was his abdomen and they reassured me that, as long as growth was seen, it wasn't really a concern because all babies grow in different patterns. They also suggested that there is a margin of error and that the measurement taken was not indicative of anything on it's own...they would need to see a pattern before getting concerned.

I found out at my follow-up that the original abdomen measurement put that part in the 9th percentile amongst other babies at the same gestational age.  The doctors would like to see all measurements hit above the 10th percentile because that is the lower end of the range that is considered "normal".   When they remeasured his little belly, it was found that at he was still on the small side but measured around the 15th percentile this time, so he was above that 10th percentile mark. He also mentioned that Blah Blu was estimated to weigh around 3lbs!  The doctor seemed pleased with those results and is having me back again in 3 week intervals to continue to monitor the situation.

At that same appointment, I got to have a glimpse of our little boy as is typical because they do a scan each time. It is always fun to see him happily moving around in there.  Then the tech surprised me by switching to the 3D want so I got a great view of his little face.  Unfortunately, Bob couldn't make it to the appointment that day and he was very disappointed that he missed the 3D scan.  Luckily, they did print out some 3D shots to share with him at home.  Not a substitution for the real thing, but I'm glad that he got to see him.  It was such a cool experience!

Without further ado, here he is at nearly 30 weeks gestation.

Up first is the 2D profile shot:

And here is his adorable (if I do say so myself!) 3D photo:

Lastly, here are some belly photos that Bob took while we were on vacation a week or so ago.  I was about 31 weeks along when they were taken.

 The water was a bit colder than expected!  :-)

Thanks for stopping by! 

"Angelversary"

Today marks one year since the day Bob and I heard the news that no parent ever wants to hear.  On July 25, 2010, after not feeling Evelyn for almost a full day, we found out that she no longer had a heartbeat. 

The news was devastating and our lives have been forever changed since then.  This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions.  To even try to sum it up would be impossible.  Each day, and sometimes each minute, brought with it its own set of trials and emotional twists and turns.

Tomorrow we will commemorate what should have been her first birthday.  Internally I struggled with what to do for this special occasion.  I was afraid of doing something too big and having to keep it up or make it bigger each year, but at the same time I was terrified that I was not doing enough.  I didn't really want it to be a sad day because Evelyn was able to bring so much joy during her short time with us, but at the same time a full-out celebration seemed crazy.  Bob and I talked about it and decided that it should be a day for close family to spend together if they so desired because that's what her first birthday would have been anyway.

My emotions that leading up to this day fluctuate because I know that we have some very  happy times ahead of us.  This little boy growing in my belly has brought me a lot of peace and calm with Evelyn's birthday coming up.  I'm really not sure how I'd be taking it if I wasn't in the midst of this healthy pregnancy.  At the same time, I feel very guilty for not being completely miserable.  I believe that our baby boy is here to lift our spirits and he came when we really needed him the most.  However, Bob and I have discussed our mutual fear that Evelyn will get lost in the shuffle.  We know that we must be diligent in not letting that happen.  I don't know what my life will be like when our little bundle arrives, but I plan to keep Evelyn's memory alive by talking about her to her little brother often.

We have been very lucky to have supportive friends and family who understand how deeply our daughter has touched our lives.  She is not and will not be forgotten and we are so thankful to have so many people out there who will ensure that this is the case. Thank you to everyone who has stood by Bob and I this past year.  You have no idea how much it has meant to us. 
So, while today is no different than any other day in that I will be thinking about Evelyn, it does hold more weight than most days because of the significance of what happened one year ago.  In some ways it's hard to believe that it has been a whole year since we said goodbye to our angel, but in other ways the time has felt as if it has stood still.  We miss her each moment that she is not with us but at the same time, we are so thankful to have known her at all. 

Size matters!

Sorry...the title of the post was the first thing that came to mind when thinking about what I was going to write.  Let me explain.

We went to our perinatologist (a specialist in high-risk pregnancies) last week for our regular check up.  She sees us about every 6 weeks or so.  Everything went well and we saw Baby Boy's heart beating away and we even got to see him practice his breathing.

(Yes, they actually do this while still in the womb.  It's done by swallowing small amounts of amniotic fluid and it works their diaphragm to give them the same exercise as breathing would.  But,  back to the topic at hand...).

We were about to check out and schedule our next appointment for six weeks later when our doctor came out to see us again.  She double checked on the due date that we were using and said that she was slightly concerned  because the baby's weight is actually about 12-14 days behind schedule (He was about 1 lb and 12 oz, by the way).  Really?  You drop this on me as I was about to walk out the door?  Way to make me all nervous!  Anyway, she said that she'd like to see us in 3 weeks instead of 6 so that she could do another scan to check for progress.  As long as there is growth, there shouldn't be anything to worry about and she said that 3 weeks should be enough time to see the changes.

Of course, I'm worried.  Who wouldn't be?  I've consulted Dr. Google and most sites indicate that our baby's weight is right on target with his age but perhaps a little on the low side.  Still, it's nerve-racking.  We were supposed to be seeing this perinatologist just as a super precaution because nothing was anticipated to be any different with this pregnancy as with any other normal, healthy woman's pregnancy.  I'm glad she's checking into it further, though.

I've been trying to up my protein intake to help boost the baby's weight.  I'm also constantly reminding myself that the weights they give us are just estimates based on some measurements and they can be really off.  Also, Bob is trying to reassure me that she sounded like she was a bit confused about how far along I am even though she asked for our due date.  It has to do with something she said in the appointment.

Anyway, there are a number of things that it could be and I'm trying not to freak out and to do what I can to help this baby grow.  I'm thankful to be seeing my midwives next week and I'm hoping that they can put my mind at ease a bit.

To close it off, even if Baby Boy hasn't been growing as much as he should, which is still up for debate, I certainly have continued to grow.  Here are a few shots from the wedding that Bob was in a couple weekends ago for our good friends John and Victoria.  I'm 26 weeks in the pictures.

No News is Good News

Below is a post that I started to write about a month ago.  Time got away from me, but I finally got around to finishing it and sharing with you. :)

I haven't posted in awhile.  Sorry.

It seem that this summer has been and will continue to keep us quite busy.  Bob and I are each in a wedding and so we have lots of festivities and fun stuff to go along with each wedding.  On top of that, we have two vacations planned; the first is a long weekend to Florida to visit Bob's grandparents and the second is our annual family trip to the Outer Banks, NC. Plus we have the usual summer activities (i.e.- BBQs, family visits, and outings with friends).  I'm looking forward to all of the fun things this summer, but it's certainly keeping me on my toes.  Maybe it will make the time pass quickly until October!

The countdown is on.  I've whizzed through a good chunk of my second trimester and I am between 23 and 24 weeks. This is a big milestone because at 24 weeks, the baby is considered viable by most doctors and hospitals and is able to survive outside of the womb (usually with lots of assistance from medical technology).   While I hope that Baby Blah Blue* stays in for quite a few more weeks, it is reassuring to know that if he came early, he has the possibility of survival on his side.

*Not his real name...don't worry!

We celebrated Father's Day last Sunday and I got Bob some NY Rangers clothes for the baby as well as some chocolates that he loves.  I know hockey just finished for the season all set for when the next one comes around!

Just a few thoughts about holidays like Father's Day.  I know I wrote about this when Mother's Day came around as well.  Bob IS a father.  No, he has not experienced all of the fatherly things that come along with taking a baby home from the hospital.  He hasn't had the sleepless nights nor the constant diaper changes.  However, is that what makes someone a father? Since we only got to spend one Father's Day (and one Mother's Day) while Evelyn was alive, we cherish those memories and those special days.  If we hadn't celebrated that "first Father's Day" last year, Bob would never have gotten to celebrate with his daughter.  I know that there are people that feel that unless the baby is out of the womb, that you don't "count" as a mother or father on these special days, but we are just thankful that we each got to spend at least one of these holidays with Evelyn while she was alive.  Next year, we hope to celebrate our third Father's Day and Mother's Day, but our first with our baby in our arms.  Sorry for the tangent...

So, that's pretty much all that's been happening around here.  I'm thankful for a low-key pregnancy and for our healthy baby boy. Thankfully, there's nothing big to report and, in my mind, no news is good news.

Now if we could only come up up with a name for our little boy...

Here is a picture of me at 24 weeks (much bigger than I was with Evelyn at this point in my pregnancy!):

Thanks for stopping by!

Introducing Baby Scott!

2011 Rock and Walk

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  The weather was gray, windy, and a bit chilly.  I cried more than once.  But yet, it was beautiful.

Yesterday was the 2011 Tears Foundation Rock and Walk in NJ.

Bob and I first came in contact with this group after losing Evelyn.  Their goal is to help families compassionately remember their babies who have passed away between the ages of 20 weeks gestation and 1 year.  Many don't realize how much of a financial burden it can be to give an honorable funeral for a baby who as passed.  We were fortunate enough to have the help of family and a local funeral home after we lost Evelyn, but our circumstances are not universal.  Many cannot afford headstones to denote their child's name in the cemetery or costs of cremation may be out of their reach. After enduring such a traumatic loss, for many families, the thought of not being able to honor their children is a terrible thing to go through.

The worst fear of many parents is that their child will not be remembered.  Tears helps to ensure that they are honorably remembered and provides support groups for parents to come and share their stories and grief with other parents who have been through similar circumstances.

The support and friendship that Bob and I have found in our local group has been invaluable in our journey through grief and loss.  They helped us to know that we are not alone and that there is hope at the end of the long and hard journey.

Now, Bob and I have the wonderful opportunity of sharing our current pregnancy with our friends in Tears.  They understand how hard and emotional a subsequent pregnancy can be and have been very supportive. In this circle we call these babies that come after a loss Rainbow Babies.  They are the rainbow that appears after the storm and, for many, they are the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to thank everyone who supported us in our effort to always remember Evelyn!  You have all helped us more than you can ever know!  We love you!!

So, although it was gray, chilly, and emotional, it was a beautiful day.  Here are some of my favorite shots for the day.  They were taken by Bob's sister, Bob's step-mother, and another father of an angel.

The boardwalk was lined with butterflies with each of the babies' names. 

 

I apologize for my hair...the weather was not conducive! :) 

Here is most of Team Evelyn Matilda.

 Seeing the kiddos wear Evelyn's name made my heart melt.

 

Here is Pop Pop proudly wearing his youngest grand-daughter's name while carrying his oldest granddaughter.

And lastly, here is Bob and another member of our Tears group hugging after we were given Evelyn's buttefly.

 

Thank you to everyone again! Hopefully next year we will have some sunshine and our rainbow!!