Six Months

Dear Evelyn,

Six months ago today you were born.  

Six months ago we got to kiss your beautiful little face and hold your perfect body close to us.

Six months ago we had to say goodbye to you so much sooner than we ever thought we would. 

 

I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy think about you every day and we wish so deeply that you were here with us.  

You are on our minds and always in our hearts.

We love you, sweet baby girl.

Mommy & Daddy

Deadlines

One of the ways that I have been dealing with trying to conceive is by setting deadlines for myself.  For example:  "If you get pregnant before mid-March, we will have a baby before Christmas next year."  Each time I set one of these deadlines for myself, it is all the more difficult to cope with the negative pregnancy tests, yet I continue to set myself up for these disappointments.  Every cycle feels more high stakes than the last.  I recognize that whether I become pregnant in January or June doesn't really make a difference in the long run, however this is the strategy that I've employed to help reassure myself that good times are ahead and they are coming soon.  I need that tangible date. I crave control over something in this process that seems to be so off the path that I had ever imagined for our family, but I don't know how to go about it with out setting myself up for this failure when my "deadline" isn't met.

We decided early on in our marriage that, if it was financially possible, we'd do everything we could to allow me to stay home and take care of the kids, at least until they started school.  When we were deciding whether or not we were ready to start a family, that was the main consideration.  So, when I got pregnant we already knew that was our plan.  I told the administration at the school I was working (I am an elementary special education teacher) that that I'd be taking off a year. Most of that year would be unpaid so it would give us a good gauge to see if we were able to handle life with one income.  Our plan was that if we were able to make it work, I would fully resign at the end of that year.  I'm sure that many people (although no one came right out and said it) thought that I was wasting my hard earned BA and Master's degrees doing this, but we knew it was what was right for us.

As you can imagine, once we lost Evelyn we had some decisions to make.  It was already only about 5 weeks away from the start of school when Evelyn passed and I was in no way ready to return to work.  I had a few options: go back right away (possibly in a different school within the district and position since they didn't expect my return), take some family leave and return a few weeks into the school year, or resign completely at that point.  There's a lot of history with me and working in that school district that I won't go into except to say that there was an abundance of politics and day-to-day stress to deal with along with a 1 hour commute each way.  We both knew that it was the right thing for my mental health to not go back into that type of environment.  So, I resigned.

In some respects, it has given me a chance to process my emotions at my own rate.  I don't have to worry about the stresses of my job and can focus on healing.  I don't think I would be in a very healthy state had I returned to work after losing Evelyn.

On the other hand, however, it has left me with little sense of structure in my life.  Hence the reason that I create deadlines for myself.  In reality, I should be structuring the things that I can control.  Creating a schedule for myself of housekeeping tasks and a running list of things for me to do.  Unfortunately, what has happened is that I have a lot of time to focus on the things that are out of my hands.

I also am constantly battling the feelings of having no true purpose.  Evelyn was my purpose.  Taking care of her is what I know I was meant to do. Now, I need to shift my thinking and keep myself occupied with worthwhile tasks so that I can regain the confidence in myself.  There is a lot of guilt and feelings of  that you are broken after losing a baby that I had to (and still have to) deal with.  There are many times when I think to myself that Evelyn's passing has taken away my purpose here.  In my healthier moments, I have the clarity to understand that I will have a living child (hopefully more than 1!)someday and I will have the opportunity to use my motherly instincts and raise a child the way that Bob and I envision.  I need to remember that even with Evelyn gone, my purpose as a mother is not. 

So, this is where I'm at now.  I'm feeling healthier today than I have in recent weeks.  The holidays were rougher than I anticipated.  As I said in this post, it is a new year and time for a fresh start.

Thanks for listening to the rambling!

Two Furry Reasons to Smile

These are just for fun.  It's nice to get a good laugh every once in a while and my sweet kitties are a constant source of entertainment.

Here are Stella (left) and Nova -short for Casanova- (right).   They are good at being cute and deceptively innocent.

Here's Stella.  We haven't quite figured out what she's trying to do here...but it's hysterical regardless.

And then there was the time that we were "fish-sitting" while our neighbors were away.  Don't worry, shortly after this photo was taken, the fish were moved safely into an upstairs bedroom with the door shut. Stella is certainly the trouble maker of the two.

One last funny shot of her (because we literally have hundreds!).

Nova is, shall we say, the less-bright of the pair and he is most-certainly on the lazier side.  He is significantly larger despite the fact that him and Stella are litter-mates. 

Bob is an Eagles fan so I really can't remember how or why we wound up with a Steeler's Terrible Towel.  But, Nova seemed to like it.

Ok, last one.  This video cracks me up.  When Nova actually gets into playing, he's like a kitten again.  Note:  Don't worry, we were standing very close to him to make sure that he did not fall down the steps!

These kitties bring a smile to my face even on my darkest days.  Love them!!

2011: A Chance for New Beginnings

As I sit here typing this, I am crying.  It has been one of those tough days where I feel like this saddness is never going to end.

What prompted this?  I was hard at work fixing up our downstairs half bath.  (Those of you who have been to our house have no doubt experienced this smurf-blue wonder of a room.)  I jumped online quickly and decided to check Facebook.  Well, based on a friend's status,  it seems that  she is expecting a baby.   No joke, I think, of our married friends, there may be one couple left who is not expecting...at least not yet. Silly, I know, but, as I've previously posted, those little reminders sting like one would not believe.  I HATE feeling that way.  I should be happy but there's barely an ounce of me that can feel that way right now.

Talking with Bob last night I mentioned that it has been so long since I was actually happy and content.  Looking back on my truly happy times feels almost as if I'm looking at someone else's life.  This is particularly true of when I look at photos of me during my pregnancy.  Obviously, I know it's me, but I feel such a disconnect between the person in those photos and who I am right now  Sure there have been isolated moments and events recently where I have enjoyed myself and I have probably even smiled and laughed.  But it has been months since I have felt pure happiness.  I hope that 2011 brings me that opportunity to feel that awesome feeling again; a feeling that I certainly took for granted prior to losing Evelyn.

The complete sense of being unfulfilled is hard to really describe.  I've tried to fill my time with activities around the house and various projects. I've tossed around the idea of a part-time job or more volunteer work.  But the root of the matter is that doing these things are like filling a hole with quick sand:  it looks filled and complete, but it's really just an illusion because it's easy to fall right back into the depths of it. 

This year, I hope that I am able to redefine myself and grow. I need to stop feeling jealous of all of our friends who will have their babies before us because the truth is, we have a daughter and she is beautiful.  I believe that this year we will give Evelyn an equally beautiful brother or sister and I am trying to keep that hope alive with as much positive thinking as I can muster.  I hope that I am able to create a happier home for Bob and myself.  (Maybe I'll even check some of these home projects off my list!)  We have no idea what is in store for us this year, but I am trying to convince myself that this will be the year that we will regain our ability to be truly happy.