The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have not posted in a long time.  I wish I could say that it's because I've been super busy and very productive in getting things done.  However, that is not totally the case.  We have been doing some work around the house, but honestly, I've just been a bit lazy lately because I'm somewhat uncomfortable and also because I'm anticipating that I won't have much time to relax in the upcoming weeks.  So, here's an update of some things that have been going on. 

Around 35 weeks, I had my second NST (non-stress test) to monitor the baby's heart rate and activity level.  It was my second test like this.  After leaving me on the monitors for awhile, one of my midwives came in to check the printout from the machine.  She noticed something of concern.  The baby's heart rate was having "v-dips", which literally look like little "v"s on the printout.  She said that this is probably nothing but, due to our circumstances, she wanted to look into it further.  Some possible causes, she explained, were either low fluid levels or a wrapped cord.  As soon as I heard that the cord could be causing issues, I panicked since that is what they think may have contributed to losing Evelyn.  My midwife told me not to freak out, but it was a bit late for that.  They had the nurse call my perinatologist to get an earlier appointment for a scan to check the fluid and the cord.  When the nurse spoke to them, they put me in for the following Thursday...two whole days later!!  There was no way I could sit and wait for that knowing that my baby could be in distress.  After many calls back and forth with my perinatologist's office, I was finally able to get in to see a doctor that day. Turns out, it really was nothing.  The fluid level was great, his cord was not wrapped, and he was head-down, despite the midwife's thoughts that he was breech.  I was so relieved!

My NSTs have continued normally in the weeks following as have all of my follow-up scans.  According to the most recent one (at around 36.5 weeks) the Blah Blu is estimated to weigh 5 lbs. 15 oz.  Since he gains about an ounce a day (or more!) he's probably in the 6.5-7 lb. range now! 

His abdomen, which has previously measured small at the scans, continues to be smaller than the rest of his measurements.  However, there is a pattern of growth so the doctors really aren't concerned and are just continuing to monitor it. 

We get questions all the time about what Blah Blu's real name will be.  The answer is that we don't know yet!  We have narrowed it down to two names: 

Caleb Owen 

or 

Ezra Owen

I think Bob is really leaning more toward Caleb and I'm totally undecided, but I know I like the uniqueness of Ezra.  We both know that we don't want to make the call until we see his sweet little face.  Hopefully, he'll look like a Caleb or an Ezra and we will instantly agree!  Owen will almost definitely be in the middle, however, because we like it with both first names and also because it has a similar meaning to Evelyn's middle name so it's like a little tribute to her.  Evelyn's middle name (Matilda) means "mighty warrior" and Owen translates to "young warrior".  We like that connection and we like the name so it works out well!

We've been busy trying to get the house prepared for the little one's arrival.  Our bedroom has been freshly painted and we (and by we I mean Bob and our good friend Joe) put in closet organizers so that we could eliminate extra furniture and have room for a pack and play.  This time around, I am very hesitant to really set up the house with baby things since we had them all out last time and had to deal with putting them all away.  So, the baby stuff is assembled and ready, but it's all staying in the nursery for now. I'm hoping a sweet family member or friend will help us by getting some things set up while we are in the hospital.

Currently, I'm 37 weeks and 3 days.  I see my midwives again tomorrow and will have another NST.  We have been discussing the possibility of doing an induction at around 39 weeks assuming I don't go into labor before then.  Inductions scare me because I really want the birth to be as natural as possible.  I totally trust my midwives, however, and they have committed to helping me get induced with the least invasive procedures possible.  I have confidence that they have my best interest at heart and I know that, in the long run, my goal is a healthy baby! 

That's about all for now!  It's crazy to think that he'll be here in about 2 weeks!

Update on Blah Blu and Some New Pictures!

First off, I'm sorry that it has been so long since I posted.  I have been meaning to update.

If you don't recall, here's the back story regarding our appointment at the perinatologist's office:  At my appointment a few weeks ago, the doctor mentioned that the baby was measuring a bit smaller than she'd like, so she asked that I come back sooner (3 weeks instead of 6) to monitor his growth.  The full story can be read here.

After that appointment, I met with our midwives.  They were very reassuring and told me that he was not small overall, but rather that one measurement that was taken brought his percentile ranking down.  The small measurement was his abdomen and they reassured me that, as long as growth was seen, it wasn't really a concern because all babies grow in different patterns. They also suggested that there is a margin of error and that the measurement taken was not indicative of anything on it's own...they would need to see a pattern before getting concerned.

I found out at my follow-up that the original abdomen measurement put that part in the 9th percentile amongst other babies at the same gestational age.  The doctors would like to see all measurements hit above the 10th percentile because that is the lower end of the range that is considered "normal".   When they remeasured his little belly, it was found that at he was still on the small side but measured around the 15th percentile this time, so he was above that 10th percentile mark. He also mentioned that Blah Blu was estimated to weigh around 3lbs!  The doctor seemed pleased with those results and is having me back again in 3 week intervals to continue to monitor the situation.

At that same appointment, I got to have a glimpse of our little boy as is typical because they do a scan each time. It is always fun to see him happily moving around in there.  Then the tech surprised me by switching to the 3D want so I got a great view of his little face.  Unfortunately, Bob couldn't make it to the appointment that day and he was very disappointed that he missed the 3D scan.  Luckily, they did print out some 3D shots to share with him at home.  Not a substitution for the real thing, but I'm glad that he got to see him.  It was such a cool experience!

Without further ado, here he is at nearly 30 weeks gestation.

Up first is the 2D profile shot:

And here is his adorable (if I do say so myself!) 3D photo:

Lastly, here are some belly photos that Bob took while we were on vacation a week or so ago.  I was about 31 weeks along when they were taken.

 The water was a bit colder than expected!  :-)

Thanks for stopping by! 

"Angelversary"

Today marks one year since the day Bob and I heard the news that no parent ever wants to hear.  On July 25, 2010, after not feeling Evelyn for almost a full day, we found out that she no longer had a heartbeat. 

The news was devastating and our lives have been forever changed since then.  This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions.  To even try to sum it up would be impossible.  Each day, and sometimes each minute, brought with it its own set of trials and emotional twists and turns.

Tomorrow we will commemorate what should have been her first birthday.  Internally I struggled with what to do for this special occasion.  I was afraid of doing something too big and having to keep it up or make it bigger each year, but at the same time I was terrified that I was not doing enough.  I didn't really want it to be a sad day because Evelyn was able to bring so much joy during her short time with us, but at the same time a full-out celebration seemed crazy.  Bob and I talked about it and decided that it should be a day for close family to spend together if they so desired because that's what her first birthday would have been anyway.

My emotions that leading up to this day fluctuate because I know that we have some very  happy times ahead of us.  This little boy growing in my belly has brought me a lot of peace and calm with Evelyn's birthday coming up.  I'm really not sure how I'd be taking it if I wasn't in the midst of this healthy pregnancy.  At the same time, I feel very guilty for not being completely miserable.  I believe that our baby boy is here to lift our spirits and he came when we really needed him the most.  However, Bob and I have discussed our mutual fear that Evelyn will get lost in the shuffle.  We know that we must be diligent in not letting that happen.  I don't know what my life will be like when our little bundle arrives, but I plan to keep Evelyn's memory alive by talking about her to her little brother often.

We have been very lucky to have supportive friends and family who understand how deeply our daughter has touched our lives.  She is not and will not be forgotten and we are so thankful to have so many people out there who will ensure that this is the case. Thank you to everyone who has stood by Bob and I this past year.  You have no idea how much it has meant to us. 
So, while today is no different than any other day in that I will be thinking about Evelyn, it does hold more weight than most days because of the significance of what happened one year ago.  In some ways it's hard to believe that it has been a whole year since we said goodbye to our angel, but in other ways the time has felt as if it has stood still.  We miss her each moment that she is not with us but at the same time, we are so thankful to have known her at all. 

Size matters!

Sorry...the title of the post was the first thing that came to mind when thinking about what I was going to write.  Let me explain.

We went to our perinatologist (a specialist in high-risk pregnancies) last week for our regular check up.  She sees us about every 6 weeks or so.  Everything went well and we saw Baby Boy's heart beating away and we even got to see him practice his breathing.

(Yes, they actually do this while still in the womb.  It's done by swallowing small amounts of amniotic fluid and it works their diaphragm to give them the same exercise as breathing would.  But,  back to the topic at hand...).

We were about to check out and schedule our next appointment for six weeks later when our doctor came out to see us again.  She double checked on the due date that we were using and said that she was slightly concerned  because the baby's weight is actually about 12-14 days behind schedule (He was about 1 lb and 12 oz, by the way).  Really?  You drop this on me as I was about to walk out the door?  Way to make me all nervous!  Anyway, she said that she'd like to see us in 3 weeks instead of 6 so that she could do another scan to check for progress.  As long as there is growth, there shouldn't be anything to worry about and she said that 3 weeks should be enough time to see the changes.

Of course, I'm worried.  Who wouldn't be?  I've consulted Dr. Google and most sites indicate that our baby's weight is right on target with his age but perhaps a little on the low side.  Still, it's nerve-racking.  We were supposed to be seeing this perinatologist just as a super precaution because nothing was anticipated to be any different with this pregnancy as with any other normal, healthy woman's pregnancy.  I'm glad she's checking into it further, though.

I've been trying to up my protein intake to help boost the baby's weight.  I'm also constantly reminding myself that the weights they give us are just estimates based on some measurements and they can be really off.  Also, Bob is trying to reassure me that she sounded like she was a bit confused about how far along I am even though she asked for our due date.  It has to do with something she said in the appointment.

Anyway, there are a number of things that it could be and I'm trying not to freak out and to do what I can to help this baby grow.  I'm thankful to be seeing my midwives next week and I'm hoping that they can put my mind at ease a bit.

To close it off, even if Baby Boy hasn't been growing as much as he should, which is still up for debate, I certainly have continued to grow.  Here are a few shots from the wedding that Bob was in a couple weekends ago for our good friends John and Victoria.  I'm 26 weeks in the pictures.

No News is Good News

Below is a post that I started to write about a month ago.  Time got away from me, but I finally got around to finishing it and sharing with you. :)

I haven't posted in awhile.  Sorry.

It seem that this summer has been and will continue to keep us quite busy.  Bob and I are each in a wedding and so we have lots of festivities and fun stuff to go along with each wedding.  On top of that, we have two vacations planned; the first is a long weekend to Florida to visit Bob's grandparents and the second is our annual family trip to the Outer Banks, NC. Plus we have the usual summer activities (i.e.- BBQs, family visits, and outings with friends).  I'm looking forward to all of the fun things this summer, but it's certainly keeping me on my toes.  Maybe it will make the time pass quickly until October!

The countdown is on.  I've whizzed through a good chunk of my second trimester and I am between 23 and 24 weeks. This is a big milestone because at 24 weeks, the baby is considered viable by most doctors and hospitals and is able to survive outside of the womb (usually with lots of assistance from medical technology).   While I hope that Baby Blah Blue* stays in for quite a few more weeks, it is reassuring to know that if he came early, he has the possibility of survival on his side.

*Not his real name...don't worry!

We celebrated Father's Day last Sunday and I got Bob some NY Rangers clothes for the baby as well as some chocolates that he loves.  I know hockey just finished for the season all set for when the next one comes around!

Just a few thoughts about holidays like Father's Day.  I know I wrote about this when Mother's Day came around as well.  Bob IS a father.  No, he has not experienced all of the fatherly things that come along with taking a baby home from the hospital.  He hasn't had the sleepless nights nor the constant diaper changes.  However, is that what makes someone a father? Since we only got to spend one Father's Day (and one Mother's Day) while Evelyn was alive, we cherish those memories and those special days.  If we hadn't celebrated that "first Father's Day" last year, Bob would never have gotten to celebrate with his daughter.  I know that there are people that feel that unless the baby is out of the womb, that you don't "count" as a mother or father on these special days, but we are just thankful that we each got to spend at least one of these holidays with Evelyn while she was alive.  Next year, we hope to celebrate our third Father's Day and Mother's Day, but our first with our baby in our arms.  Sorry for the tangent...

So, that's pretty much all that's been happening around here.  I'm thankful for a low-key pregnancy and for our healthy baby boy. Thankfully, there's nothing big to report and, in my mind, no news is good news.

Now if we could only come up up with a name for our little boy...

Here is a picture of me at 24 weeks (much bigger than I was with Evelyn at this point in my pregnancy!):

Thanks for stopping by!

Introducing Baby Scott!

2011 Rock and Walk

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  The weather was gray, windy, and a bit chilly.  I cried more than once.  But yet, it was beautiful.

Yesterday was the 2011 Tears Foundation Rock and Walk in NJ.

Bob and I first came in contact with this group after losing Evelyn.  Their goal is to help families compassionately remember their babies who have passed away between the ages of 20 weeks gestation and 1 year.  Many don't realize how much of a financial burden it can be to give an honorable funeral for a baby who as passed.  We were fortunate enough to have the help of family and a local funeral home after we lost Evelyn, but our circumstances are not universal.  Many cannot afford headstones to denote their child's name in the cemetery or costs of cremation may be out of their reach. After enduring such a traumatic loss, for many families, the thought of not being able to honor their children is a terrible thing to go through.

The worst fear of many parents is that their child will not be remembered.  Tears helps to ensure that they are honorably remembered and provides support groups for parents to come and share their stories and grief with other parents who have been through similar circumstances.

The support and friendship that Bob and I have found in our local group has been invaluable in our journey through grief and loss.  They helped us to know that we are not alone and that there is hope at the end of the long and hard journey.

Now, Bob and I have the wonderful opportunity of sharing our current pregnancy with our friends in Tears.  They understand how hard and emotional a subsequent pregnancy can be and have been very supportive. In this circle we call these babies that come after a loss Rainbow Babies.  They are the rainbow that appears after the storm and, for many, they are the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to thank everyone who supported us in our effort to always remember Evelyn!  You have all helped us more than you can ever know!  We love you!!

So, although it was gray, chilly, and emotional, it was a beautiful day.  Here are some of my favorite shots for the day.  They were taken by Bob's sister, Bob's step-mother, and another father of an angel.

The boardwalk was lined with butterflies with each of the babies' names. 

 

I apologize for my hair...the weather was not conducive! :) 

Here is most of Team Evelyn Matilda.

 Seeing the kiddos wear Evelyn's name made my heart melt.

 

Here is Pop Pop proudly wearing his youngest grand-daughter's name while carrying his oldest granddaughter.

And lastly, here is Bob and another member of our Tears group hugging after we were given Evelyn's buttefly.

 

Thank you to everyone again! Hopefully next year we will have some sunshine and our rainbow!!

Kicks, Jabs, and Beatings

Now that I've caught you up with the posts, here's something fresh and new!

It's hard to choose my favorite thing about pregnancy, but if I had to, I think I'd have to go with feeling the movements of the baby inside my belly.  I started feeling Evelyn move a little around 17 weeks.  They say that you feel subsequent babies earlier so I was really hoping that I'd start feeling this little one at around 15 weeks. In reality, I started feeling this baby moving around ever-so-slightly beginning at about 16 weeks + a few days.

The movements have been few and far between, but I'm so happy to have that feeling back.  I'm anxious for the day that I can start feeling those kicks and jabs on the outside of my belly so that Bob can have the opportunity to feel them as well.

Earlier on in the pregnancy (at around 14 weeks) I made the decision that I would feel better having a doppler around the house to check the baby's heartbeat.  Most people feel that once you start feeling the baby, that is a time of reassurance.  It is, however Evelyn was not super active and our first sign that something was wrong was a lack of movement for an extended period of time.  While I know that a doppler won't prevent anything bad from happening, it just makes me feel better knowing that I can check on this little one even if I'm not feeling him/her move around. 

If you don't know what a doppler is, it's simply a heart rate monitor with a speaker and a little wand.  With a little gel, you put the wand on your belly and you can find the baby's heartbeat.  It's easy to figure out if I'm hearing my heartbeat or the baby's because, at this point, the baby's heart beat is about twice as fast at around 145-160 beats per minute.

It's been so reassuring having that doppler around for being able to check on the baby when I'm not feeling him/her very frequently.  I've been very careful about getting obsessive as could be easy to do with a device like this around the house.  I could listen to his/her little heart ticking away for hours.  There haven't been any studies that show any negative side effects from using a doppler,  but I just want to be careful that I don't go overboard.

Here's a quick peak at our little baby's strong heartbeat.  Note:  This doppler does not very accurately show the bpm in the window.  It tends to measure low. We love listening to the baby, but we know that the count for the bpm is off.  Each time it has been measured by a midwife/doctor, the baby's heart rate has been around 155-160 bpm.  Enjoy!

 

 In other news, we only have 8 more days to find out of this baby is a him or a her, but who's counting?!?

13 Weeks

Written on April 14, 2011:

This is the first belly shot that we've taken during this pregnancy. It was taken at just over 13 weeks.

I am showing much earlier this time than last time around.  Below is a shot of me 18 weeks into my pregnancy with Evelyn to compare.

I'm thrilled to have my preggo belly back, but I don't dare to think of what I will look like a few months from now.

From Raspberry to Plum

Written on April 8th, 2011:

As promised here are the ultrasound photos of Sweet Pea (or Blah Blu, whatever you want to call him/her).

The first is at 8 weeks.  At this point baby is approximately the size of a raspberry at about .63 inches weighing in at .04 oz.

Just in case you're unsure, the head is on the right and the legs (or leg buds at this point) are to the left.


And here we are just 4 weeks later at just over 12 weeks.  Baby is about the size of a plum at a whopping 2.1 inches and a hefty .49 oz.

I think it's safe to say that at this point, you probably can tell which parts are which.  It's amazing how much they grow and develop in just 4 short weeks.  This ultrasound machine was also much more powerful since it's the one the specialists use.  The midwives' equipment is older, but it suits the purposes that they use it for.

Unfortunately, no clues as to the gender of this little one.  I'm dying to know, but we won't find out until our anatomy scan on May 24th.  Right now it seems like that is forever away, so I hope time flies between now and then!

It's Been A While

Written on April 1st, 2011:

Well, it's been a while since I've updated on the current state of our little Sweet Pea.  Currently, I am one day shy of the 12 week mark in the pregnancy and feeling very good.  My nausea has pretty much disappeared and only reoccurs for short bursts once in a blue moon.  My hips are beginning to get sore from sleeping on my side, but that part of my body has always  been very sensitive.  There's been some pulling and stretching sensations in my lower abdomen that I can only assume is because my uterus is expanding to make more room for our growing Sweet Pea.

I may  be calling this little one Sweet Pea, but in reality our little one is much bigger than that small green vegetable. Starting at 12 weeks, the baby is about the size of a plum.  At over 2 inches and weighing in at almost 0.5 oz there's a lot of growing going on in there!  That may sound small (and it is!) but considering that this baby started off as nothing but a bunch of cells, that growth is huge!!

This pregnancy has not been all lollipops and sunshine, however.  I anticipated that it would be hard emotionally, and I was absolutely correct.  I worry constantly that something is wrong.  When my nausea disappeared so quickly, I freaked out.  Luckily, Bob called the midwives for me and they brought me in for a quick scan to check on our little one.  This was last Friday at 11 weeks.  We got to see his/her heart beating strongly and even saw the cord pulsing (how cool?!?).  It was a huge relief, but honestly I don't think I'll feel 100% comfortable until we have our baby here in our arms and we know that he/she is healthy.

Even though, I've been referring to our baby as Sweet Pea, there are some other family members who have a different idea of what to call this little one.  When Bob's sister asked her daughter Abby (our niece) what we should name the baby she suggested "Blah Blu."  She's 3 and a half, so to her that might be the perfect name.  We think it's absolutely adorable and have intermittently been using that moniker to refer to the baby as well.

The name topic has definitely been broached at this house.  Bob is not big on discussing names until we find out the gender.  We still have a few weeks (between 4 and 8 weeks) before that happens so I just keep on adding to my list.  Girls names are so much easier to come up with than boys names!

As for whats up and coming for baby and me.  We have our first specialist appointment on Monday (4/4) and then on Tuesday we see our midwives again.  I will update with any news from those appointments after they happen.

That's all that's going on for now.  Hoping for a joyful and otherwise uneventful appointment on Monday!

Phew!

Written on March 10th, 2011:

When I posted about getting the results of the autopsy report at our midwife appointment, I (purposely) neglected to mention that the other purpose of the appointment was to check on our new little one.  I know that it was mean and cruel not to mention it,  but as I'm writing this I haven't even announced our pregnancy to family and friends in person, much less over a blog.  As you've witnessed, I'm saving up the entries about this new pregnancy and will be posting them when we feel the time is right for the big reveal.

Anyway, back to the appointment.

Knowing that I was neurotic very nervous about seeing the baby and his/her beautifully beating heart, my midwife obliged and did an ultrasound first thing in the appointment. We were able to see our little Sweet Pea all comfy and cozy with a wonderful heartbeat. That made the rest of the not-so-pleasant exam much more bearable!

Based on my last period, our due date is October 15, although I believe it to be closer to October 19 because I tend to ovulate later in my cycle than most.  Doesn't really matter anyway since the baby really has no idea about this specified date and will come whenever he/she wants to make his/her presence known.
(Gosh it's annoying not being able to use the appropriate pronoun!)

Lately, my nausea comes and goes in waves and varies day by day.  I've been very lucky that it really hasn't been too bad even at it's worst and I haven't had any vomiting at all.

I'm planning on making our appointment with our specialist soon and will probably see her within the next 3-4 weeks.

That's about all the updates for now.  I will try to post some ultra sound pictures soon!

The Next Step

Written on February 17, 2011:

So far, so good with this new pregnancy.  I hit the 5 week mark, so it's still very early on at this point.  I try to remain hopeful and positive since anything else is neither helpful nor healthy for me and the baby.

I called on Monday and made an appointment to see my midwives for the first time.  They want to see my at 8 weeks, which is typical of any other normal pregnancy so my appointment is on March 9th.  At that exam, I will probably get some blood taken, have an exam, ask the midwife any questions, and hopefully get a dating ultrasound done and get to hear the heartbeat.  If they don't recommend an ultrasound, I will certainly request one to help calm my underlying nervousness.  Besides, since I didn't track this cycle like I have for others, I'm not really sure when I ovulated/conceived.

Here's to hoping that the next 3 weeks go by quickly and smoothly.

The Phone Call

Written February 12, 2011:

So, I walked around the house all day on Friday (2/11/11) getting more and more anxious by the minute waiting for the call from my midwives office to (hopefully, fingers-crossed) hear that my numbers were going up.

At 2:30 there was still no word and I decided to call.  I searched my purse for my cell phone to get the office number.  And what to my wondering eyes did appear?  (No, not Santa, his sleigh, and his eight tiny reindeer, although that would make for quite a story!) I had a missed call and a message from....you guessed it: my midwives office.  They NEVER call my cell phone, well except for this time obviously!

The voice mail was reassuring, but not super informative.  It basically said that my numbers looked good and that they had gone up, but that it was still very early in this pregnancy.  I had been prepping my mind all day to hear the actual numbers associated with the hCG and progesterone, but none of this information was left for me.  So, I tried to call the office, but to no avail.  They must have left early because there were no appointments (or maybe they had a lot of patients going to L&D today, who knows?!).  But the result is that, while I didn't get the specific numbers I was looking for, I did at least get a bit of reassuring news and that should last me through the weekend.  I'll call on Monday to make my first appointment and maybe even request those numbers for curiosity's sake.

Anxiety and an Update

Written on February 11, 2011:

I've been putting off writing this because I'm trying not to think about it.  I really want to enjoy this pregnancy and take in every precious moment.  I know that worrying won't make anything better and that what's best for me and baby is to just relax.

Here's what has gotten my head a-swirlin'.   As I wrote a few days ago, my blood was drawn to confirm pregnancy and I had to wait 24 hours for the result.  Well, I waited and waited all the next day (Tuesday - 2/8/11) and did not get the phone call.  Bob kept telling me to just call them, but I didn't want to make myself an imposition and my outlook is that I will be spending (hopefully) the next nine months with the people in the midwives' office so I don't want to start on the wrong foot and be deemed "that annoying patient."

Fast forward to the next day.  By mid afternoon, I just couldn't take it anymore and called them up.  The secretary put one of our midwives on the phone and she was able to tell me the results.

The tests came back that I am, in fact, pregnant, but that it appears to be very early on.  My hCG was only 35 and my progesterone was low (10.9, I think).  The low hCG can be explained by the fact that I ovulate late in my cycle and that I probably was only about 12 days post ovulation.  My progesterone was also low with my pregnancy with Evelyn and I was supplemented with Prometrium for the first trimester.

My midwife offered to put my on the Prometrium again immediately if I wanted but did say that a healthy pregnancy is a healthy pregnancy and no amount of progesterone is going to save one if it's not.  She recommended that I get my blood redrawn to check that my hCG levels are steadily rising and that at that point, if my progesterone was still low, we would talk about supplementing.

That is the plan we decided to go with and I had my blood drawn again (from the same exact bruised spot on my arm, might I add) and I am anxiously awaiting the results anytime now.  I do take (a little) solace in the fact that a pregnancy test that I took on Tuesday night came back very positive with a nice dark line (as compared to the light line that showed up yesterday).

I haven't slept well for the past 3 nights and probably won't until everything is confirmed to be ok (read - when our baby is in our arms!).  My symptoms come and go and I find myself wishing I had more of them to confirm that everything is going well.  I know what some of you are probably thinking:  be careful what you wish for, but at this point, I'll take anything that comes as long as the pregnancy is a healthy one for baby.  I had almost no early symptoms with Evelyn aside from some lower backache, so I know that that just might be the way that my body reacts to pregnancy.  So far I've inconsistently had:  frequent urination, lower backache, and  frequent hunger pangs.

I guess time will tell with what happens.  For now, I'm trying to remind myself to breath and take this all in.  This anxiety will subside sometime.... right?

News

Ok, here it is...the first of the aforementioned saved-up pregnancy posts.  Enjoy!

Written on February 7, 2011:

Well, the morning of February 7th, 2011 started off with this...

If you've ever tried to read a pregnancy test with hopeful eyes, you know that those eyes can be deceiving.  The longer you stare at the test, the more difficult it becomes to decide if you are seeing one line or two.  (For those who aren't "in the know" about pregnancy tests, 2 lines = pregnant, no matter how dark the lines are.)


After Bob and I both stared at the strip for quite some time, I swore that I saw two lines...but was uneasy because I had  dropped the test on the floor, wiggled it about, and held it by the "wrong" end waited longer than directed to read the results.  (Again, for pregnancy-test-beginners, if you wait too long after taking the test to read it, you wind up with an evaporation line which could make you think that you're pregnant even if you're not.)

So, what did I do?  I took another one, of course, and compared it to the first.  I'd never used this brand of test before and even the control line was coming up very light.  Again, those deceptive eyes came into play and neither Bob or myself could determine if there were two lines there.

Ok, enough was enough already for me.  I called my midwives and basically begged them to find the fastest way for me to get a reliable result.  (Since they've been seeing me since before concieving Evelyn, they understood my insane anxiety to know the actual results).  They sent me off to Lab Corp. for a blood test.

I pretty much lost it at Lab Corp. and tried to explain through my sobs to the very nice lab assistants there the reason why this test had me all in a tizzy.  They assured me that it would take no more than 24 hours for the results.  Yes, 24 HOURS!!!  How could I wait that long??

Well, the truth is that I couldn't wait that long.  I went to Target on my way home and picked up not one, but two different types of pregnancy tests to try get some real results and ease my mind a bit.  (Sidenote - Bob definitely thought I was insane for spending another $20 on tests, but my peace of mind was worth it, right?!?)

No sooner did I walk in the door at home did I find myself in the bathroom taking a third pregnancy test for the day.  This time it was a First Response test, which happens to be the same type test that I got my positive results during my first pregnancy.  I sat there and stared at the test nervously waiting to see what would happen.  Here is what I saw...

That's right 2, count 'em, 2 pink lines!  They showed up within two minutes of taking the test. We're very much PREGNANT.  It feels totally weird, yet exhilarating to type that! we should be getting the same results tomorrow from the blood test along with my hcg and progesterone levels. 

We both have a ton of emotions running through us right now, not the least of which is excitement.  However, I'll save that up for another post because right now, I just want to enjoy the thrill and excitement of today.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day can be a sticky subject for those who have lost a child.  Many feel sadness, and rightfully so, on this holiday.  While I totally understand this reaction, for me it is a positive memory that I have with Evelyn.

Many people consider your first Mother's Day the first year that you celebrate with your child present in your arms.  However, based on this view point, I would not be considered a mother and to this I definitely take exception.  Even while babies are in the womb, mothers are nurturing them with the food they eat, the songs they sing, and the gentle rub of their bellies to feel their baby move.  I was lucky enough to spend one Mother's Day with Evelyn while she was still living and, for that reason, I cherish this holiday and celebrate that I got to spend time with my daughter even if she was not in my arms.

This Mother's Day was very special because it is my first that I got to celebrate while being a mother of two.  That's right, you read that correctly...TWO!  That is the news that I've been waiting to share. I have a few posts that I've saved up that I wrote during the earlier stages of pregnancy when I wasn't comfortable sharing the news.  Each one has the date indicated at the top to give a time frame as to where I was in my pregnancy.

I was hesitant to share the news because I know there are still a couple of good friends that we have not told yet.  Not because we don't want them to know, but because we were waiting to share the news in person and we really don't see some of them very often (unfortunately).  So, if you are one of these friends, I apologize profusely and I hope that you are not offended to find out in this manner.  We'll make it up to you and buy you dinner or ice cream or something.  That being said, I'm pretty sure no one reads this. ;)

Currently, I am 17 weeks and 3 days along with our second baby and this baby is expected to arrive sometime around October 15th.  Bob and I are excited and cautiously optimistic for a positive outcome this time around.

Thanks for reading and I hope you all had a very happy Mother's Day!

From Gloom to Bloom: A Day's Hard Work (almost) Done

I had a sudden urge to make our garden look more, well, lively.  It was pretty sad looking and we're still dealing with the remnants of the previous owners plantings.  Every time I think I've gotten all the bulbs out, more pop up the next spring.  Some of the plants are just not what we would have chosen and some of them were just really poorly placed, at least in our opinion.  So, today was a beautiful day around here and I decided to take on the challenge.  Here are some before and afters for you to enjoy!

Before....

 This is a monster of a bush.  I made a valiant attempt to dig it out so that I could move it to a better place, but it would not budge.  I guess I have to wait until someone with more strength can help me (ahem...Bob...ahem).

And After...

This is the beautiful bush/tree that will be taking the place of the aforementioned "monster bush".

 

I can't wait to see how it looks once everything is in its place and things start to fill out.

That kept me very busy, but it's not the only thing that's been keeping me moving.  It's news that I can't wait to share, but it's going to have to wait a little longer.  For now I'll just let you imagine what it might be.

The Report

After over 7 months of waiting, we have (some) answers to provide a little closure for losing Evelyn.

As expected, the autopsy results were not really conclusive.  There were no infections found nor were there any abnormalities with her physical appearance or internal organs.  This news was a relief.  It means that there was really nothing wrong with her and, in turn, it means that there is really no future reproductive issues for me and Bob.

The report did indicate that Evelyn's umbilical cord was "of excessive length" because it was over 70 cm (77.5 to be exact) and this factor is associated with "increased morbidity and mortality."  Basically, what I took from that was that since the cord was long, she was more easily tangled up in it.  This coincides with the fact that at birth Evelyn's cord was wrapped (albeit loosely) three times around her legs.

The other factor indicated on the report was that there was "early vascular thormobosis"  (a.k.a - a clot) found.  However, there is really no way to determine if the clot formed pre- or post-mortem. 

So, overall, our midwives and doctors are considering Evelyn's loss the result of a cord accident.

While it is scary to know that this could happen again (it could happen to anyone really) it is also a bit reassuring that it is not likely to reoccur.  This, augmented by the fact that we will be having additional scans and close monitoring next time around, leaves me feeling cautiously optimistic for a healthy outcome in our next pregnancy.

The Results Are In

I got a call today from our midwives' office. 

Unfortunately I missed the call because I was in the shower.  However, she left a message saying that they received the results from pathology regarding Evelyn's autopsy. 

It took my breath away momentarily.  Immediately after losing Evelyn I was obsessed with knowing why this had happened to her (and to us).  The hospital told us that it would take approximately 8 weeks. Our midwives (or actually, their secretary) had been calling the pathology department diligently for months I found out.  Then today they got a call from the doctor that oversees their practice.  (This is standard and required by law, I believe, for midwives to have a OB/GYN consulting with their office.)  The results were sent to the OB/GYN's office instead of to the midwives.  Who knows how long it took the doctor to realize that the results weren't from one of his patients, but here we are 7 months later and the results have just come in. 

I hadn't forgotten about them, but had basically resigned myself to thinking that Evelyn's passing was due to an accident (most-likely involving her umbilical cord) and had made peace with it in my mind.  I didn't totally make this circumstance up, either.  Our specialist suggested that this was her inkling due to Evelyn's healthy birth weight and the overall health of the pregnancy. 

For me, it was the "best" circumstance for two reasons.  The first is that there was clearly nothing that anyone (myself included) could have done to save her.  Guilt is a big issue that I had after her birth.  I felt guilty about everything from not going to the hospital sooner to making my family sad.  I know that guilt is just part of the grieving process in our circumstances, but it was a very painful aspect to think about.  The second, and more important, reason is that an accident would have no future impact on subsequent pregnancies.  My dream has always been to have children and if there was something that was going to negatively impact that, I would be devastated. I do, however,  believe that even if an accident was not the cause of her demise, then our midwives and specialists will be able to guide us (albeit more carefully) through another pregnancy.

Our appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday (March 9th), so for now all I can do is wait.  While worrying will be hard to avoid, I know that nothing I do or think will change what has already happened or what is already written on that paper. 

I'll update once I know more.  But for now, that's all she wrote.

Filling My Time

There are many days when the time creeps by slowly and I have little to do.  I try to fill my time, but sometimes feel unmotivated by the lack of routine or consequences for not doing something.  In my working life, I had to deal with answering to supervisors and, more importantly, being prepared to greet and teach dozens of small smiling faces each day in the classroom.  I had no other choice but to keep up with my work and that made time fly.

I've posted before that I occasionally feel a sense of uselessness and laziness, which often leads to guilt since I know Bob is out there working very  hard to keep our finances sturdy.  I often feel that I don't give enough back.  He assures me that being the sole breadwinner doesn't bother him, but, at this point, my guilt sometimes takes over.  Being a stay-at-home mom is a job (one of the hardest jobs in the world, I might add) and it's the job that I wanted so badly to take on, but now that has been put on hold and I've been searching for something to fill my time and maybe, just maybe, quell some of the guilt.

I've always enjoyed baking and I like to be able to present something tangible (and yummy) to Bob after my work.

Cinnamon Bread

A Birthday Cake For My Dad

Superbowl Cream-Filled Cupcakes (Thanks to my father-in-law for the one with the jockstrap piped onto it!)

I've also been working on slowly doing some renovations in the house.  In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned that I was working on redoing our downstairs half bath due to the annoyingly bright and shiny blue paint that we inherited from the previous owners.  I've searched high and low for pictures of the before.  (I know we took them when we first looked at the house, but I can't find them anywhere.)  Here I have some pictures from during the process.

If you look closely at the pictures with the primer, you can see the bright blue shining through.  I might also add that we removed two Gothic-looking candle sconces which had a propensity to flip upside down, two floating white cottage-style shelves that might have fallen off the wall if you so much as breathed on them too hard, and an art-decoish mirror.  This bathroom definitely had an identity crisis!

Here's some pictures of the after.  We are still lacking artwork on the walls,  but we got a pretty new mirror and I love the paint color! (Unfortunately, this room does not photograph well because it's tiny and there zero natural light.)

Our next project:  the kitchen.  We'll be putting in a tile backsplash, adding under-cabinet lighting, and painting.

Filling my time and feeling useful aren't easy tasks at this point, but hopefully soon there will be a time when I think back to this point in my life and imagine what it would be like to have a little free time on my hands.